The Mirage of New Friendships and how to start over.
It seems like nowadays everyone is frantically searching for something. Relationships, or the concept of one, is constantly slipping through our fingers. We see others making headway in building new connections as adults all over social media, but it seems like most of us are experiencing a similar loneliness “in real life”. So, when do we get to call the quest of making new friends a mirage? Something like a fever dream that appears when you’re in dire need but disappears the closer you get to it. What are we doing wrong? Is it supposed to be this hard to find someone we have something in common with and trying to provide each other some level of companionship?
I will never forget the day I was browsing around in Target and I was stopped by a Black woman who had to be around the same age as me. She complimented by jacket intently, saying it was one of the most beautiful colors she’d ever seen. She asked me where I got it and I told her, ASOS. I was just running inside to grab some litter for my cat on my way home from visiting my mother. It was winter and I was unemployed and struggling with a serious bout of depression and grieving my last relationship. Alone. On my way to Target I remember being filled with a heaviness, feeling hopeless and devastatingly lonely. To this day, I wonder if the stranger could sense it. Anyway, we made conversation about life and work and where we are versus where we thought we’d be. I learned she had just moved to Atlanta from Alabama and lived with her sister and two cats. Chatting it up with her made me feel something and just for a moment, I was grateful to feel the spark that only ignites when you have the feeling that you may have met someone you’ll come to know for a long time. Since the conversation was flowing so well, she asked me for my phone number and if I’d like to meet again at the same Targe for coffee. She asked me on a friend date, maybe I was worthy of being around after all.
The day arrived and I was nervous but looking forward to talking to someone about anything. So, we met for coffee. Soon talk turned to career and personal development. We’ll call our person in question, Tanya. Tanya asked me if I’m satisfied with my current career pathway. I told her no and informed her I wasn’t working at the moment. I didn’t notice the odd delight she took in me sharing that I was, well, broke. It seemed after that declaration; she had a lot to say about professional development and suggested I talk to her “mentors”. Tsahai of today would know better, but this was Tsahai of 2021. I had no clue she was trying to recruit me into an MLM. I invited her to my birthday dinner and agreed to learn about the illusive program she mentioned. Of course, the facade was over soon after I joined the Zoom call and it dawned on me that she was never genuinely interested in me. I had been rejected and passed over before, that wasn’t really a foreign phenomenon to me. But, there was something especially cutting about being fooled and used platonically. To know that there were people out there who seek out people like me, in places like me was soul crushing. I blocked her number and accepted that maybe having more than one friend in my 20s was as impossible as finding a job that pays a living wage.
I believe building a new connection is possible, but it takes clear intention and choice. You have to choose intentionally to talk to someone, to understand them, to have uncomfortable conversation, to learn each other, and to ultimately learn about yourself through those interactions. I’m looking at 25 and I realize I have to make the friends in mt life a real priority or I’ll never see them or know them. I have to listen and accept when I misstep, because I will misstep and that’s okay. My hope is that this space brings Women together that are looking to lead with authenticity in making friends. As humans, we have the nature to show up differently every day and knowing that I’m allowed to do that makes me feel safe and in turn allows others to do the same. I believe that if every one in this community has one person they can call without an appointment or can run impromptu errands with, I’m doing something right. I hope we can find out that making new friends doesn’t have to be a mirage, but an oasis.
Thank you for reading.
-Tsahai
